Joke thread.

[george]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs
the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site
is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the
bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without
a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will
eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they
will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the
road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick
and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and
just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and
shouts...


(wait for it...)













"I KNEW IT!............I'M NOT F*CKING GOING NOW!"

[george]

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis
looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and
flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing
today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger
so he couldn't do anything.

Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted
Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything
because he needed to fix the Batcar.

Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder
Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis
building. Superman thought to himself that if he was
faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and
screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened.
So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding
bullet and flew away.

Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The
Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know
but my ass is killing me!"

[TraceyHand]

are you *that* bored?
Or are you just procrastinating?

[pinbrook]

This guy is having a quiet drink in a hotel bar. In a bowl are some peanuts, which he begins to nibble on. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "You're a really handsome bloke. That shirt really suits you. Nice car, by the way. Very good taste." Then he goes over to the cigarette machine and puts the right change in. No cigarettes come out, but another voice starts. "You're a real ugly bas***d," it says. "That shirt looks cheap, and your car is a total heap of c**p!"
Confused, the guy goes up to the barman and asks what's going on. "Well," says the barman, "the peanuts are complimentary, but I'm afraid the cigarette machine is out of order."

[pinbrook]

Three very old and very bored grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old man walked by and one of the grannies said,

"I bet we can guess how old you are."

The old man said, "There's no way you can guess how old I am."

One of the granniesas replied, "Of course we can! Just drop your shorts and we can tell your exact age."

So he did.

The granniesas stared at him for a good while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"

The grannies laughed until tears were rolling down their cheeks.

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,

"You told us yesterday."

[pinbrook]

George buys a talking centipede and carries it home in a little box.
Placing it on the kitchen table, he says: "Hey, centipede, how about we go to the pub for a beer?"
The centipede doesn't answer, so George thinks: "I'll just wander off for a while, then ask again."
Five minutes pass and he comes back: "So, we going for a beer?" Again, no answer.
"Hmm," George thinks. "I'll just go off and watch this TV show, then ask again."
Half an hour passes and he tries one more time.
So the centipede looks up and says, "For God's sake, George, I heard you the first time. I'm just putting on my shoes."

[george]

Or are you just procrastinating?

Over what Tracey?

[TraceyHand]

Over what Tracey?

Well, I read your original post and you just said you needed cheering up (or should that have been "warming up" and "drying off"?) before you did some work...
change your mind?

[TraceyHand]

Two nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[TraceyHand]

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting
at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive
lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the
waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma
needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one
of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching
the dice!"

[hobuk]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today,
I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you Today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I
Feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

[hobuk]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only
one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look,
it s not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea
with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other
with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2
days...and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could hold back
no longer and said......"OK, I give up. Where's the f...ing ship?"

[hobuk]

OK My Last One For All The Golfers Out There:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[george]

change your mind?

I did actually lol. Hard to concentrate when you are dealing with a sudden climate change and recovering from trying to keep up with fit eighteen year olds for a couple of hours...


(I did consider deleting the thread but Jo had added a couple of posts so I thought I'd leave it for now)

[Legends]

Man goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I think I am going deaf"

The doctor says "What are the symtoms"

"Arn't they a yellow cartoon family on the telly" The man replies