Joke thread.

[TraceyHand]

Dear Tech Guys,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
components such as Footie 5.0, Pool 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've
tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Desperate:


First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is far simpler program, While
Husband 1.0 is a killer application.

Click START, RUN and enter "I Thought You Loved Me". Then
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Nasty Comments 3.1 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that constantly defaults to Snoring Loudly Beta Version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs in
the background and will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will cause Husband 1.0 to freeze.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a cool program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot load new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Machine Mart Catalogue 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[papermilldirect]

I was looking for some humourous element to send out in a newsletter to our photo paper customers but I think this one is a bit too near the knuckle...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Duncan Rounding]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter....

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more and then she said that tonight was "my lucky night".

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?

[Legends]

The Three Little Pigs

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f**k me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[george]

A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks
the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deid gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice...

...so, I just switched their heids.'

[Duncan Rounding]

Its probably a bit early to worry, but I hear that there maybe very few toys for the kids next Christmas.

It seems many of Santa' s factory workers are going on strike.

There appears to be an issue with ELF AND SAFETY!

[papermilldirect]

The Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[Legends]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.



The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.



As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.



She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.



Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'



The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........



The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

[JSnow]

Charles and Camilla

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!'

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. 'Harder!' yelled Camilla, 'Harder!'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!'

'Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!' she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, 'Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!'

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!'

To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man always a Navy man!'

[Duncan Rounding]

A NEW WING FOR THE HOSPITAL
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding
A new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted
To scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to
Make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
About it, but the Neurologists thought the
Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a
Misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea
Short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead
Body, while the Paediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
Madness, the Radiologists could see right through
It, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of
The whole thing.
The Internists though t it was a bitter pill to
Swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a
Whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
Gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to
Say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up
To some asshole in administration.

[papermilldirect]

Got this one in my inbox this morning - spat coffee everywhere

Subject: This has to be the funniest thing i have heard in ages!!




This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and

>> you'll see why! Just

>>> imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and

>> hearing this. Many

>>> Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning

>> show in Sydney .

>>>

>>> The DJs play a game where they award winners great

>> prizes. The game is

>>> called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work

>> and ask if they are

>>> married or seriously involved with someone. If the

>> contestant

>>> answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet

>> highly personal

>>> questions.

>>>

>>> The person is also asked to divulge the name of

>> their partner with

>>> (phone number) for verification. If their partner

>> answers those same =

>>> three questions correctly, they both win the

>> prize.

>>>

>>> One particular game, however, several months ago

>> made the

>> Harbour City

>>> drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly

>> the funniest thing

>>> you've heard yet.

>>>

>>> Anyway, here's how it all went down:

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever

>> heard of 'Mate Match'?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip

>> to the Gold Coast if

>>> you win.

>>> What is your name? First only please."

>>>

>>> Contestant: "Brian."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?

>> First only please."

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "Sara."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Stay with me here,

>> Brian! Is she at work?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time

>> you had sex?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "About 10 minutes."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one

>> would ever have said

>>> that if a trip wasn't at stake."

>>>

>>> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex

>> at 8 o'clock this =

>>> morning?

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

>>>

>>>

>>>

>> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum

>> is staying with us

>>> for couple of weeks..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Uh huh..."

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower

>> at the time."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>>>

>>> Brian: "On the kitchen table."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than

>> theprevious hundred

>>> times I've done it.

>>> Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his

>> wife's work number and

>>> call her up.

>>>

>>>

>>> You listen to this."

>>> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

>> (Touch

>>> tones.....ringing....)

>>>

>>>

>>> Clerk: "Kinkos."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

>>>

>>> Clerk: "This is she."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are

>> live on the air right now and

>>> I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours

>> now."

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

>>>

>>> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.

>> Brian knows not to

>>> give any\answers away or you'll lose.

>>> Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate

>> Match'?"

>>>

>>> Sarah: "No."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Good!"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing)

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up

>> to?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions

>> honestly, okay? Be

>>> completely honest."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3

>> questions, Sarah. If

>>> your answers match Brian's answers, then the both

>> of youwill be off to

>>> the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have

>> sex, Sarah?"

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before

>> Brian went to work."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "What time?"

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it

>> last?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is

>> trying to protect is

>>> manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You

>> are one question away

>>> from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Where did you have it?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them

>> that did you?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Well..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did

>> you have it?

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Up the *rse....."

>>>

>>> They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he

>> thought he was going to have

>>> a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

>>> Apperently there was an unusually high call out of

>> the Sydney Police

>>> just after this conversation , for minor traffic

>> collisions.

[pinbrook]

Once upon a time


~~~~~~~~


in a land far away,


~~~~~~~~


a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess


~~~~~~~~


happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.


~~~~~~~~


The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


~~~~~~~~


One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am


~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry


~~~~~~~~


and set up housekeeping in your castle


~~~~~~~~


with my mother,


~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sauteed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't f***ing think so.

[Legends]

A man was found dead in his hotel room today. The TV had been on since last weekend. He was wearing an Aussie rugby shirt, bra, high heels, hand bag and make-up.

The police removed his shirt to save his family from any embarrassment.

Substitute French now and Springbok next week.

Just trying to reduce our carbon footprint by recycling the joke!

[fergusw]

Marketing - mishap or meant?

[! - just copying and pasting for your delectation - not original!]

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island' at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the 'Italian Power Generator Company' at www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the 'Mole Station Native Nursery' in New South Wales , http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The ' First Cumming Methodist Church ' Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

[los_design]

and one from the archives....

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"