Joke thread.

[completerookie]

Ever since it started snowing, the missus has spent her time looking through the window.

If she doesn't stop it soon, I suppose I'll have to let her in

[TraceyHand]

I just have to share this.
I've been laughing/crying like a maniac for about 8 or 9 pages and my poor dehydrated body can't take any more!

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

Enjoy!

[Donna Kempster]

My fav is the hamster lol we were crying here.

[TraceyHand]

I agree. Very funny indeed (and deserved of its personal contact after the event!)

[Duncan Rounding]

Excellent - certainly brightened my day Donna.

[Donna Kempster]

I didn't know where t post this...

... I think it's old and doing the rounds but if you've never seen it, it will brighten your day

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/tr...t-letter..html

[leehack]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[completerookie]

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a research institute Stores facility.

One day, the Logistics Manager pointed out a huge pile of sawdust in the loading bay and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I’m going to a Stores Management meeting. While I’m gone, I expect you guys to shift that pile of sawdust."

The logistics manager went away for a couple of hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sawdust was untouched.

He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hassa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did laddy, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."

The Logistics Manager was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sawdust to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sawdust and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!"

[Paul Bulpit]

Fascinating Aida website

See the bit 'Well Hello'

[Sean Williams]

Thanks Duncan!
Great start to the morning.
Aren't they marvellous.
The name rings a bell, I hadn't seen them before, but I'll definitely have to see their show now.

[Paul Bulpit]

Thanks for posting, made my evening - brilliant!

The bloke in the front row, right hand end, isn't too impressed!

[Duncan Rounding]

Thanks for posting, made my evening - brilliant!

[Paul Bulpit]

As a frequent (cheap) flyer, had me in stitches:

Cheap flights on the internet

Worth five minutes of your time!

[completerookie]

Seven yearl old boy being beaten by everyone ! ! !

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[leehack]

The Football Association today proudly unveiled TOTAL, FCUK and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’

The announcement followed the news that Nationwide building society would be ending its sponsorship of the national side after the FA rejected its pre-World Cup offer of a new £20m deal. ‘Not so f * cking cocky now, are you?’ said Nationwide in a prepared statement yesterday, before respectfully suggesting that the FA ‘shoved its sponsorship deal right up its arse’. Pundits noted that if the FA followed Nationwide’s advice, it would be the second time in a fortnight that England had been laid wide open at the back.

The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.

However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will it make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said ’we don’t envisage this being a problem.’