Joke thread.

[party_pete]

To be honest i'm Pig Sick about the whole thing.

[leehack]

It's not really an area to be joking about to be honest, hows about you three get back to work and carrying on bringing the bacon home?

[jont]

I rang this morning saying that I was coming out in a rasher

Did they prescribe any oinkment for it?

[Legends]

I rang NHS Direct to get some advice on Swine Flu, but all I got was crackling on the line

I rang this morning saying that I was coming out in a rasher

[grantglendinnin]

Check this one out...


1

[Sean Williams]

I rang NHS Direct to get some advice on Swine Flu, but all I got was crackling on the line

[grantglendinnin]

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

[Duncan Rounding]

Cheap at the price - 8 legged deer are rare and you're bound to make a profit - especially if they're still attached.

[Brightstar]

Hi All,

Can anyone help ?

Just been offered eight legs of venison for £50.00.

Is that too dear ?

[grantglendinnin]

So people know this is just party political broadcast and doesn't really belong in a joke thread

Not so sure about that Mick. It is about British politics, which surely enough, is a joke

[meden]

Ok not a joke, but very good none the less:

So people know this is just party political broadcast and doesn't really belong in a joke thread

[cobbler]

Why has Edward Woodward got 4 D's in his name?


'cos if he hadn't, he'd be called "EEE-WAH WOO-WAH"

[hobuk]

Ok not a joke, but very good none the less, worth a watch to see Gordon Brown get a ribbing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94lW6Y4tBXs

(not a joke but being politics could still pass I guess)

[Duncan Rounding]

IN THE AMERICAN COURTS!!!!!!

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________________ __________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you #@?# me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
I especially love this one (RD)
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________
And this one too!!!
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[completerookie]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the tr ees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.