Joke thread.

[george]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her
in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk
leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is
good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing .

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something
else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him
square in the eyes and says.................


"Grandad,....... go home, you're drunk"

[jont]

FFS my memory is so bad. Sorry Jo.

Spamming the forum with duplicate posts! C'mon Lee.. you are meant to be setting an example on the forum. Please use the search facility before posting.

[Paul Bulpit]

& I heard it ten years ago - sorry Lee you lead a sheltered life.

It's a job to find a clean & original one though - and I do find it notable that the level of banter varies according to which forums one frequents.


John M had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lee, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5pm"

"Great", says John, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lee is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says John. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says John, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."







Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Darren B]

Now i know no-one ever reads my posts......

what post,who's Jo i know Jan not sure about Jo though

[pixelhaus]

I think Aricept should be made available to Actinic designers before our minds all turn to goo lol

[leehack]

FFS my memory is so bad. Sorry Jo.

[TraceyHand]

Now i know no-one ever reads my posts......

POST #6

LOL
You know, I read that joke and though "funny, but I've heard that before"
I just hadn't realised it was here!

Oh dear, Lee. You could be in trouble now

[Legends]

Great original joke Lee - suprised no one else came up with that

[pinbrook]

Now i know no-one ever reads my posts......

POST #6

[leehack]

I PMSL at this one, client just sent it me - funniest i've heard in quite sometime.

This bloke was very lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which
Came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home,
found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he
Waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the
bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his
new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and Shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!















A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fu***ng shoes on !!

[pixelhaus]

What's red and invisible ?



No tomatoes!



My very favourite stupid joke :-)

[Darren B]

On of my little boys favorites

"What Do You Call A Dinosuar With Only One Eye"

















Ready








"Do-You-Think-He-Saw-Us"

[Duncan Rounding]

And another classic:
Q: If you're an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European!

[Duncan Rounding]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F"? (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[george]

c&p sorry about the caps etc...

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,

"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,

"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,

"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,

"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,

"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"