Joke thread.

[chris ashdown]

Warning to the older Man

Just found this on another forum

This Government issue hundreds of warnings to women and how to conduct themselves safely. Walking in the dark etc etc.

This is the first warning that applies to men and I need to pass it on as it will only get worse as the weather warms up.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam operating in Warwick, whilst out shopping.It was quite traumatic and don't think it won't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two 20's or something really good looking girls come over to your car as you are putting the shopping in the boot,
They both start cleaning you windscreen, with their breasts nearly falling out of their skimpy tops whilst pressing them on the screen and side windows.It is impossible not to look. You thank them and offer a tip. They refuse and ask for a lift to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat.

On the way, they start to undress and one of them climbs into the front seat and starts to run her hands all over you, whilst this is happening, her mate pinches your wallet.
I had my wallet pinched on the 4th, 5th, 6th and 10th of December, twice on the 14th. Again on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 8th of January. 3 times last Monday and probably again this coming week end.
Tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.

Warn you friends to be vigilant!!

Tesco's have got wallets at £3.44p. I have found cheaper ones at Sainsbury's at £1.99p and bought them out.
As you never get to eat at McDonalds, I have already lost 10 pounds just running backwards and forwards between Tesco's and Sainsbury's.

Lidl and Morrisons have both run out of cheap wallets.

[Mike Hughes]

Warwick hmm. Bit further than my usual supermarket but I'm always willing to give it a try.

Mike

[Duncan Rounding]

Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from council
complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.



A Spot of British Humor

As reported in the newpaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

_____

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

_____


At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

_____


Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

____


A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their

passengers...


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____


"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

_____

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

[Sean Williams]

Thanks Duncan - cheered me up no end. Just mislaid 15 minutes of my working day to uncontrollable laughter.
Who says Germans have no sense of humour?

[leehack]

+1 for me, very funny. I think the pregnant one made me chuckle the most.

[TraceyHand]

PMSL I loved those London Tube announcements..
and the one with the gas explosion (coz I can JUST see/imagine/believe that happening!!)

[leehack]

http://ow.ly/Z1db

[Mike Hughes]

Classic if rather graphic.

Mike

[leehack]

Sign in Northampton General Hospital. "Family Planning Advice ....Use Rear Entrance"

[leehack]

Peter Crouch asked what he'd have been if not a footballer, he answers "a virgin".

[Golf Tee Warehouse]

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front...
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could...'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles..
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #1

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[Duncan Rounding]

Read whilst surfing today:

Did you know that Sir Paul bought Heather Mills a plane the Christmas before they broke-up? A plane! It’s true, and he bought her a Philips Ladyshave for the other leg.

[completerookie]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d*ck

[jont]

An embarrassed man walked into A&E yesterday with 7 toy horses up his bottom. Doctors say he is in a stable condition.

[leehack]

The Football Association today proudly unveiled TOTAL, FCUK and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’

The announcement followed the news that Nationwide building society would be ending its sponsorship of the national side after the FA rejected its pre-World Cup offer of a new £20m deal. ‘Not so f * cking cocky now, are you?’ said Nationwide in a prepared statement yesterday, before respectfully suggesting that the FA ‘shoved its sponsorship deal right up its arse’. Pundits noted that if the FA followed Nationwide’s advice, it would be the second time in a fortnight that England had been laid wide open at the back.

The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.

However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will it make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said ’we don’t envisage this being a problem.’