Joke thread.

[bowstock]

A penguin goes into a pub and asks the landlord 'has my Dad been in tonight'?
The landlord thinks for a while and says 'Your Dad? I don't think so - what does he look like?

[acompton]

Three loonies are up for release from the loony bin. The psychiatrist calls them in and says, “I’m going to give you all a test to see if you are suitable for Care in the Community”. He gives each one a large spider in a box and adds: “look after your spider for a week and come back and tell me what you have found out about it”.

After a week the first loony is called into the psychiatrist’s office and is asked: “What have you found out about your spider?”
The loony replies: “Its black!”
“I’m afraid that’s not good enough” says the psychiatrist, “you’ll have to stay in here for a little longer”

The second loony is called in and asked: “What have you found out about your spider?”
The loony replies: “Its black and hairy!”
“I’m afraid that’s not good enough” says the psychiatrist, “you’ll have to stay in here for a little longer”

The third loony is called in and asked “What have you found out about your spider?”
The loony doesn’t reply, but he carefully takes the spider out of its box and places it on the desk. The he leans close to the spider and says “Spider walk forward!” – and the spider walks a few steps forward! The psychiatrist is amazed! Next the loony says “Spider walk backwards!” – and the spider walks backwards for few steps! The psychiatrist is speechless! Finally the loony takes out a pair of scissors, and cuts off all of the spider’s legs. He places the twitching torso back on the desk and repeats his instructions: “Spider walk forward!” – the spider doesn’t move – “Spider walk backwards!” – still no movement.

The loony sits up with pride and announces: “This proves that without its legs, a spider cannot hear!”

[pinbrook]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "OK. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day

[leehack]

Yep it got me

[buspassjohn]

Is that a South African joke?

[pinbrook]

Nah... I just stole it from another forum I frequent

[jont]

Is that a South African joke?

Would guess at American with the terminology used (aside from the non-specific dollars)

[Donald Gray]

EARLY RETIREMENT
Due to the financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the S.H.A.F.T. scheme. (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. scheme (Scheme for Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependants or spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.

Persons staying on, will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention or your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

[Dragon Slayer]

A husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years the wife turns on the light to find her husband holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic. You impotent bas***d ! How could you lie to me all these years ?

Husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly says 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids'

[Dragon Slayer]

Two priests go for a shower one night. They're naked when they realise they don't have any soap. Father John goes to his room to get some, grabbing 2 bars, one in each hand he heads back to the showers.

Half way down the hall he spots 3 nuns heading his way, so thinking quickly he pretends to be a statue. The nuns walk past and say how lifelike the statue looks. The first nun pulls his manhood, startled, he drops a bar of soap. The nun exclaims 'Oh, a soap dispenser'. The second nun does the same and again he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun does likewise 'Oh sweet Jesus, hand lotion too'.

[Suemoo]

A man complains,
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home.'" "That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains
the doc. "Is it common?" asks the man. "It's Not
Unusual," says the doc.

[brian.mc]

It's 2012, and the London Olympics are about to start.

True to form, the builders have just managed to finish the project at the last minute, but have left lots of equipment and materials lying around.

3 friends, an Irishman, Scotsman, and Englishman have met in London to attend the opening ceremony, but cannot get tickets anywhere.

As they stand outside the Olympic Stadium, wondering how to get in, the Scotsman gets a brainwave, walks over to the pile of builders materials, picks up a manhole cover and walks up confidently to the competitors entrance. He says " McKay, Scotland, Discus", and the security guard says "go on in, and good luck".

The other two look on in amazement, then the Englishman goes over to the pile of materials, picks up a scaffolding pole and marches up th the competitors entrance proclaiming " Jones, England, Pole Vault". The guard says:-"go on in, and good luck".

The Irishman looks on in awe - then he too has a brainwave - he walks over to the pile of materials, picks up a roll of barbed wire, puts it under his arm, and confidently strides up to the competitors entrance proclaiming "Murphy, Ireland, Fencing"

[george]

http://www.anagramgenius.com/server.html

[leehack]

'Kettle Ache' for me, kind of fitting, i don't drink tea or coffee as a rule and i detest making a hot drink.

[TraceyHand]

"Enchant a randy" for me

No comment

editted to say...if I omit my middle name, I get "Randy Cheat"