Joke thread.

[TraceyHand]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said..."If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said...."You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"


(and my apologies to Miranda who posted this first on the forum I've lifted it from )

[jont]

Two tourists driving through Wales pass through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and start a heated debate on how to pronounce it.

They stop for food and ask the assistant "can you please say very slowly how you pronounce the name of the place we are in?"

She leans forward and says "Burr-gurr King"

[Donna]

A man is on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.

The man says to the wife: “Honey, I have to tell you something.”

The wife replies: “Yes, you can tell me anything.”

Man: “I slept with your sister.”

Wife: “I know.”

Man: “And your mom.”

Wife: “I know.”

Man: “I also slept with your secretary, Mary.”

The wife puts a finger to his mouth and says,

“I know, my darling, now just relax and let the poison work”.

[parklifeclothes]

'Darn! All rancor' not overly impressive but my other halves is,
'Jerker 'n' anal canal' although I haven't told her yet! she will be delighted

[TraceyHand]

..... my other halves is,
'Jerker 'n' anal canal' although I haven't told her yet! she will be delighted

That's a rather unfortunate anagram!!

[acompton]

Jont's Burger King joke reminds of a true story.

My friend worked in a shop called "Usbournes" - it was filled with decorative nik-naks and gifty things.

One day an American tourist came up to the counter and said:
"Young man, could you help me?"
She lead him into the depths of the shop and a wicker basker filled with marbles, where she pointed to the shop's price card with the price written on.
"Could you tell me how you pronouce that word?"
"Usbournes" replied my friend.
"Do you know, back in the States, we call these things 'marbles'"

Alan

[davidbenson]

Some unanswered questions .........................

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
If you pointed a gun at someone and said " Can I ask you a question?", what do you do if they reply "Fire away!"
What did the first person ever to milk a cow think they were doing?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the centre of the earth?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called Unsolved Mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If marriage was illegal, inlaws would be outlaws...
Why does a pack of peanuts say might contain nuts?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[jont]

What did the first person ever to milk a cow think they were doing?
Imitating a calf

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Some do.. although the life of the buyer.

Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?
Stop them rolling away / cheaper

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
No air contact

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
Pins in a nudist camp - are you mad

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Stretches the eye lids apart

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Stops heat stroke (premature crashing)

[george]

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Stretches the eye lids apart

10/10 LOL

How does the guy that drives the snowplough get to his work in the morning?

[completerookie]

a slightly older lady, sitting on the edge of the bed, naked, glances up and sees a reflection of herself in the mirror.
touching her forehead, she says "furrows are getting deeper"
touching her nose, "not as nice as it once was"
touching her chin, "sagging a bit there"
touching her breasts, "boy oh boy, they've seen better days"
touching her tummy, "couple of pounds should do it there"
then her thighs, "hmmmm"
spots the cullulite etc etc etc

Husbands voice was heard to mutter "absolutely nothing wrong with your eyes is there"

[completerookie]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Answer: They taste funny.

What is the difference between a lousy golfer and a lousy skydiver?
Answer: A lousy golfer goes WHAP! "Oh crap!". A lousy skydiver goes "Oh crap!" WHAP!

Did you hear about the geneticist that tried to cross a potato and a chicken?
He wanted to produce a chicken that would definitely NOT cross the road, but instead, got a bunch of potatoes that sat around pecking eachother's eyes out.

[george]

Mr. Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they
stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he has a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked into a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long
before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He
fondled her Flap Jacks then showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bournville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased
as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out
a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his King Size Mars Bar
felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however,
he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had
a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly
he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been
with Bertie Basset, who apparently had Allsorts!!!

[kathynewman]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV, and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling:

"You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign for these! You sign!". Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting:

"You sign for these parts!! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!

Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says (Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer ?"


Kathy

[leehack]

LOL good one Kathy, i like that.

[george]

c&p sorry about the caps etc...

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,

"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,

"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,

"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,

"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,

"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"