Joke thread.

[Duncan Rounding]

Not a new one but a good one non-the-less:

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces."Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Aricans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[remmo]

Not a new one but a good one non-the-less:

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces."Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Aricans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Good One Duncan... you even got the accents right... nothing like a bit of kiwi bashing!

[Duncan Rounding]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why He wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

[Duncan Rounding]

A few quickies or your Friday morning coffee....


An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub. The landlord said "What's this? Some sort of joke ?"
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Jesus walks into a hotel, puts four nails down on the counter and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”
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There’s a car full of nuns driving through Transylvania late at night. Suddenty, Dracula swoops down on the car and clings to the windscreen wipers, leering and licking the glass.

“Quick Mother Superior”, shouts a novice, “Show him your cross!”

“Good thinking!”, replies the Mother Superior, who furiously shakes her fist at the Count and shouts “Oi! Vampire! F**K OFF!”

[Legends]

Bushism

President Bush is on the phone to his senior advisors in Iraq for his daily update, he is told that three Brazillian soilders had been killed.

Getting off the phone in tears and ashen faced he turns to one of his aids and says "hey tell me, just exactly how many is a brazillion"

[george]

I went to the cemetary yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...



I thought to myself... these b*ggers have lost the plot.

[OllyBug]

My mate told me this one!

Tiger Woods finsihed a practise round and went into the clubhouse. Tiger spots Stevie Wonder sitting at the bar and goes over for a chat.

"Hi stevie, I didn't know you could play golf" said Tiger - rather awkwardly as to not offend him.

"Yeah Tiger I am getting pretty good now" said Stevie

" i don't mean to be rude but how do you play when you are blind?" asks Tiger

" Well when I drive off, my caddy stands on the fairway and shouts as loud as he can and as my hearing is goodm i can pinpoint exactly where he is and by ball lands where I want" explains Stevie.

"Well that is amazing what about Iron Play and putting"? asks Tiger

Stevie replies, "Iron play is a bit like the tee shots, except the loudy he shouts the more lofted club I use. Putting is even easier as my caddy just says left or right and the ball just goes straight in!".

Standing back in amazement, Tiger thinks for a bit and being the world number 1 thinks he can win some money here.


"How about we have a game stevie and the winner takes home a million" asks Tiger..........







......."Ok Tiger" said Stevie. "I am free any night this week!!!"

[TraceyHand]

omg I must have had a blonde moment...it took me a while to get that


(it's late...brain is fried!)

[Duncan Rounding]

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'

The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'

[Dragon Slayer]

An old one but still good...

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."




The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Duncan Rounding]

I think there's a message here:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

[Darren B]

I think there's a message here:

Yep there is 2 - the Russians are to tight to make pens, and the Yanks struggle to think out of the box

[Duncan Rounding]

Yes I know they're old - but gave a me a laugh anyway...

Q: What washes up on small beaches?
A: Microwaves.

Q: Where did the tree trimmer apply for a bank loan?
A: At the branch office.

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: What’s the most important thing to learn in chemistry class?
A: Don’t lick the spoon.

Q: What do you call chicken in a hot tub?
A: Soup.

Q: What was the man who was just cloned say?
A: I’m beside myself!

Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because turtles have such tiny ears.

Q: What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A: Mississippi

Q: What did the porcupine say when it backed into the cactus?
A: “Mom, is that you?”

Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: “Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back.”

Q: What do you give the person who has everything?
A: A burglar alarm.

[acompton]

An Englishman, and Irishman a Scotsman and a Welshman went to war. On a daring mission they were trapped behind enemy lines and taken prisoner. Their captors held a military trial, pronounced the four to be ‘spies’ and sentenced them to be shot a dawn. As a softener, they were each allowed one last request.
The Welshman said: “I would like to hear a thousand Welshmen singing ‘Land of My Fathers’”.
The Scotsman “I would like to hear a thousand pipers playing ‘Scotland the Brae’”.
The Irishman “I would like to see a thousand Irish dancers performing ‘Riverdancer’”.
The Englishman said: “Shoot me first”.

[completerookie]

We all did it, but the rules were never written down. ! - well now they are !

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline, to be carried over from the previous period of the match, is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

The game ends when the lad who owns the ball goes in a mood

PARAMETERS

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

TACTICS

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from, for example, 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages:

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her Privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or, if the side is comfortably in front,
the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really