Joke thread.

[hobuk]

Genuine Advert See Pic First

Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
Expire Date: Sep 6th, 2006

$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

[Duncan Rounding]

A few fun ones for the weekend:

Why don't they make the whole airplane out of that black box stuff?

If my calculations are correct: slinky + escalator = everlasting fun!

IRC is just a multiplayer Notepad.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.

Anyone know what resolution our eyes run at?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What is a .tar ? it's used to patch .road files.

[Darren B]

Very good duncan, a think a few wont get the last one though

[george]

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when
it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to
drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange
or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition
of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with The guys, being assaulted
by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning
or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

[Duncan Rounding]

A few one liners....

An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."

There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.

A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[Darren B]

Dawn French has been arrested on a drugs charge
she was seen in tescos wearing a mini skirt
As she bent over she revealed 75 kilos of Crack

sorry it tickled me

[george]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[george]

A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic. So, he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it will probably take a little while to find the problem and asks him to come back in an hour.

The penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys some frozen fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and spends the rest of the hour hanging out in the frozen foods section.

After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop. Seeing him come in, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands on a rag, says, "Looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, "No, it's just white ice cream."

[Neil_P]

My contribution on behalf of the EPoS Forum -

Subject: 3 min management course


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the Next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800
to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first, me first!" Says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone. "Me next, me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The Eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the Eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: BullS**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course.

[pinbrook]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
>Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, looks into
>his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
>
>
>
>
>
>Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair, looks into
>his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he
>roars.
>
>
>
>
>
>Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
>yells, "How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
>
>It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
>everything away.
>
>
>
>It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
>newspaper and croissants.
>
>
>
>It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
>gave them their food, and refilled their water.
>
>
>
>And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
>grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
>only going to say this once....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Keep scrolling!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
>

[Duncan Rounding]

Possibly The Best Blonde Joke of the Year

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

[george]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge mate?"

[george]

A young man called Jason invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Jason's flatmate was.


She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jason and his flatmate than met the eye.


Reading his mum's thought's, Jason vounteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I Assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates.



About a week later, Simon came to Jason saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, i've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you? Well I doubt it, but I will email her just
to be sure said Jason. So he sat down and wrote:



DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DID TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DID NOT TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE JASON



Several days later, Jason received an email from his mother which read:


DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DO SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

[completerookie]

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject.
Below is the winner:

Subject: Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground.

If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

.....and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients:

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats.

Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/t? where p is the probability of carpet impact, s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.

Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.

t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet

[Neil_P]

One for the scottish members!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfMUwCKtWMI