Joke thread.

[Duncan Rounding]

Not really a joke but I found this quite fascinating (watch them in the order below):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc72QYq2dtg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9RVGmXaayI

[Neil_P]

Subject: A wee Scots wedding

Two young men from Glasgow, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding .
"Ach, it's all going like magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already - the flowers, the kirk, the
cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night....." Archie nods approvingly.


"Man, I 've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie,
"That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?"


"Oh," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."

[pinbrook]

What is Doctors Whos favourite food?

Dalek Bread

[pinbrook]

Two muffins in the oven, one says to the other "damn its hot in here," the other says "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"

[pinbrook]

Bill and Ben in the bath, Ben goes "blb blb blb" Bill says "If that smells I'll kill you!"

[completerookie]

why do elephants have big ears ?
Noddy won't pay the ransom

[Legends]

Bill Said "Flobb a lobb a lob" and ben said "Flibb a libb a libb" and little weed said "shut up you two your both Pi**ed"

[JSnow]

Boss interviewing Blonde secretary asks the following question:

What's the difference between a paperclip and a screw?

Blonde answers: I don't know, I've never been paperclipped.

[JSnow]

A Man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,

"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.

ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...................December"

[fergusw]

Not really a joke but I found this quite fascinating (watch them in the order below):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc72QYq2dtg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9RVGmXaayI

In a similar vein:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uZLbL0jBwA

quite impressive!

[Duncan Rounding]

Funnily enough that was the video that got me on to youtube immediately before I found the ones I posted. Strange. Did you receive the link in an email recently?

[TraceyHand]

2 Cows

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SOCIALISM:You have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM:You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.


FASCISM:You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM:You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRACY:You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, then throws the milk away...


SURREALISM:You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire
on the income.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION:You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a
riot, and block the roads,because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION:You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION:You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.


CHINESE CORPORATION:You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You worship them.


IRAQI CORPORATION:Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade
your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy....


WELSH CORPORATION:You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.


AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate


A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to
milk them,but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the
government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under
health and safety.You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is
designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to
carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos,
which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the
stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC
approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you
have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the
mandatory training course you must take to get your licence to milk the cows.
You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you next to
nothing for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times
what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how
wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting
their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are
really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish migrant worker
and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank'and then you leave to buy a
villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk
is a tenth the cost of milk at home.
They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred

[JSnow]

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone".

So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................



OH, come on...take a guess!





(You're going to love this!)






You can't kill two birds with One stone!

[leehack]

........

[JSnow]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?". "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."