Joke thread.

[JSnow]

Three men, a German, a Japanese and Paddy are sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

Looking down, Paddy said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."

[wfl]

Courtesy of SWITA. Seen this week in a camping shop window;

"Now is the Discount of our Winter Tents"

[Duncan Rounding]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[JSnow]

A girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the girl.

"10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?"
"Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike and Mike"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Noooo..." says the girl "Its fine. If they're all out playing in the street I just have to shout 'MIKE, YOUR DINNER'S READY'
or
'MIKE GO TO BED!' and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy. I just use their surnames."

[papermilldirect]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly, starving, and close to death. They are so close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every conceivable kind of bacon you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a mirage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a mirage that smell of bacon...ees no mirage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres.

Pepe is following behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


Gasping for breath.........





"Ee..... "






"Ees..... "







"Ees a..... "







"Ees a Ham Bush!"

Thanks to D.

[JSnow]

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Dauphin-Yorkton rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Yorkton old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, ".....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

[JSnow]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men vs Women

NICKNAMES
If Fran, Gayle & Margot go out for lunch, they will call each other Fran, Gayle & Margot.
If Simon, Tony & Adam go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Simon, Adam & Tony will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need because it's on sale

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Target.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

[JSnow]

Arthur & Martha

Arthur to father Patrick: Father, you know, the lord and I are close. He knows that I can't see in the dark. So when I stand up, at night, to go to the loo, it's amazing father, but the light switches on of its own accord. And when I'm done, it goes out in exactly the same manner.

Farther Patrick can hardly believe his ears and decides to ask Martha whether she knows anything of these miracles.

Martha: What miracles?

Father Patrick: You see, Arthur has told me of the light that goes on and off of its own accord when ever he goes to the loo at night.

Martha: Ah shite! The old senile bastard has pissed in the fridge again!!!

[JSnow]

The Pastor's Donkey
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The next day, the local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop couldn't handle it, so he ordered the nun to lead the donkey to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop converted to Buddhism, moved to Tibet and never worried about anyone else's ass again.

[leehack]

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

The above one really tickled me, although i daresay beer goggles have accounted for a certain amount of that statistic.

[JSnow]

Nine things women say...

1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word. A non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question. Just say you're welcome.

8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[acompton]

In Honour of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods .......


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================



On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
==============================


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================

[pinbrook]

I opened a packet of tesco salmon steaks today, the allergy advice was "contains fish"

[Duncan Rounding]

I bet they wouldn't say the same about meat and sausages.

[pinbrook]

My sister picked up her 5 year old from her first day at school last week. As they were driving home my sister asked how the day had been, and gently reminded 5 year old that she had to go back again tomorrow.

Going back tomorrow wasn't a problem, but 5 yr old announced she wasn't going to wear the silly costume again though