Joke thread.

[OllyBug]

Talking about sausages.....
Who can remember that last year Welsh Dragon Sausages had to be renamed as they didn't contain any Dragon?

[JSnow]

Old Paddy and his three sons are sitting in the pub, enjoying some Guiness and talking as families do. The conversation moves on to "What's the fastest thing in the world?"

Paddy's first son says, "The fastest ting in the world has to be a thought 'cause ya tink a thought and it's gone."

Paddy's second son takes a swig of his Guiness and says, "Nah. The fastest ting in the world is a blink 'cause ya blink a blink and it's gone."

Paddy's third son considers this for a while and then chirps up, "Ya know, the fastest ting in the world has to be light. Ya switch it on and it's on, switch it off and it's off."

Paddy takes two or three swigs, allowing his sons time to wallow in their own cleverness, and then says, "My sons, yar all wrong. The fastest thing in the world is diarrhea 'cause this morning before I could think a think, blink a blink or switch on the light. I shat meself!"

[completerookie]

what about the true story of the lady that booked a vegetarian meal when she travelled with British Airways,

She then proceeded to complain bitterly to the stewardess, because the wrapper of her meal contained the word "bacon" - "and I distinctly booked a vegetarian meal"

she only backed down, when the bright spark of a stewardess said something like "Madam, the word is BA.COM - the web address of our internet website"

[TraceyHand]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

[Duncan Rounding]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Duncan Rounding]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[Paul Bulpit]

Subject - Threads NOT going off-topic (like here)

A very recent rant here about (Christmas Discount) threads going OFF-TOPIC reminds me of a thread that doesn't - and belongs in the JOKE section.

WARNING

Clicking on the following link and getting engrossed in the story will take about thirty minutes of your time, as it did mine. Please do not click if you have better things (running a busy website, changing the baby) that you should be doing, like making money, or flying a kite, or surfing.

It is a genuine thread on a mountain bikers' forum - it does not go off-topic, but the posts are over several days, with prompts from other members as to 'come on, what comes next' as the story-teller pauses (presumably to do some work).

Could move you to tears (either of laughter or at other people's misfortune) - I suggest that people like Darren DO NOT spread it around their office as no work will get done all afternoon. That's why I'm posting on a week-end.

A guy asks a simple question on a forum, and gets a reply that is more than he bargained for. Does not need to be censored, but contains references to bodily functions LOL!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

The fun starts when you get to the post from 'Blu-Tone' .......


(The thread ends at 20/07/07 04:20, there is no point in reading the comments beyond this time)


(I notice that the joke thread NEVER goes off-topic?)

[TraceyHand]

not going to waffle off topic (as apparently I always do ) but just wanted to say you HAVE to read that link because I've read it before and just couldn't stop crying with laughter!
Seriously, read it!
It's worth 30 minutes of your time

[Duncan Rounding]

Blu Tones' obviously in the wrong job. Great read.

[Legends]

Well thats put paid to my Saturday morning - can't do anything cause the tears are blocking my view!

Class thread.

Cheers Paul made my day.

[Darren B]

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That is so wrong, so so so so wrong. Im not sure i can talk to customers properly now. Poor B*****D is all i can say

[Paul Bulpit]

Feeling a bit down, I 'phoned Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.

Told them I was morose & wanted to end it all.

They said,

"Can you fly a 747?"

[Duncan Rounding]

A man was found dead in his hotel room today. The TV had been on since last weekend. He was wearing an Aussie rugby shirt, bra, high heels, hand bag and make-up.

The police removed his shirt to save his family from any embarrassment.

[los_design]

Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Son's first day at school and the father say's
"OK son what happened at school today"
"I topped the class at Math's today".
"Well son thats because your a New zealander"

Second day at school and the father say's
"what happened at school today"
"I topped class in English"
"Well son thats because your a New zealander".

Third day at school and the father say's
"What happened at school today"
"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the shower's and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"

"Is that because I am a New zealander Dad".

"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".

[los_design]

and one from the archives....

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"