Joke thread.

[acompton]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to a theme park and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed on to the bed exhausted. He leaned over his beloved wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you useless idiot!!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.....

[leehack]

LOL, very very good one.

[pinbrook]

One for the Ladies

This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web mail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, Mr. Thatcher, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control, maniacal behaviour.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager. male brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just have to Slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best, Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

[Darren B]

OK not so much a joke but im sure it will make most men smile

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Mike Hughes]

Why God Made Mums

Yesterday was Mother's Day in the US so there was a bit of this going around. Enjoy.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS ....

Answers given by 2nd-grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then, they mostly used string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic -- they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[pinbrook]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the
> answers are the
> actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
> have a sense of
> humour
>
> __________________________________________________
> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
> it rain on TV,
> how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
> around watching them
> die.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
>
> A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
> railroad tracks?
> ( Sweden )
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
> water.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you
> send me a
> list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey
> Bay? ( UK )
>
> A: What did your last slave die of?
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
> Australia? ( USA )
>
> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
> Europe .
>
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific
> which does not
>
> ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
> night in Kings
> Cross. Come naked.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
> you get here and
> we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
> _________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK )
>
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (
> USA )
>
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
> Ger-man-y, which is ...
>
>
> oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
> Tuesday night in
> Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
>
> A: You are a British politician, right?
>
> ____________________________ ______________________
>
> Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
> all year round?
> ( Germany )
>
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
> hunter/gatherers.
>
> Milk is illegal .
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
> Dispense
> rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
>
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come
> from.
>
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
> handled and
> make good pets.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia ,
> but I forget its
> name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because
> they drop out of
> Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath
> them.
>
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human
> urine before you go
> out walking.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
> youth. Can you
> tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )
>
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
> population is
> smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
>
> A: Yes, gay night clubs.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact
> the Girl I
> dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (
> USA )
>
> A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA
> )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Qantas..............
>
> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
> 'gripe sheet,'
> which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> mechanics
> correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> then the pilots
> review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never
> let it be said
> that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
>
> Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints
> submitted by the
> Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions
> recorded (as marked
> with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Something loose in the cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on backorder.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
> minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: The number 3 engine is missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
> serious.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds
> like a midget
> pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[Duncan Rounding]

The National Eczema Society have launched a new scratch card to raise funds.

I see there is a new cut price midwifery service,.. no charge for delivery!

New book out today maths for beginners launch day special....3 for the price of 4

The latest dvd from the BBC of the Casualty series is about to be released.
To add to authenticity there is a 6 month waiting list!

[pinbrook]

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a holiday.

[leehack]

lol...pillock

[completerookie]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;





'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

[TraceyHand]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it..

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[Duncan Rounding]

Good one Tracey

[parklifeclothes]

Whats brown and runs around your garden??

Fence!!!

[Jan]

Whats brown and runs around your garden??

Fence!!!

.... surely not, it must be a mole

Regards,

[completerookie]

An old Italian man, living alone in the country wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work and the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help was now in prison.
The old man wrote to tell his son of the problem.

Dear Vincent,
I am very unhappy as I won't be able to plant my tomatoes this year, I'm getting too old, the ground is hard, and I know if you were here, you'd dig it over for me.
Love Dad

A few days later, the old man received a reply.

Dear Dad.
don't dig up the garden, thats where the Bodies are buried
Love Vinnie

at 4am, the next morning, the local police turned up, dug up the entire garden, but failed to find the bodies, They apologised to the old man and left. The next day, the old man recieved another letter from his son.

Dear Dad.
Go ahead, plant the tomatoes now, Thats the best I could do, considerug my circumstances
Love Vinnie