Joke thread.

[Duncan Rounding]

Probably didn't reach the reserve. LOL

[chris ashdown]

With a couple of young kids around the parents decided that when they wanted sex, they would bring the words "Washing Machine" into the conversation

A couple of nights latter when they go to bed, the man asked the whife "if she would turn on the washing machine", she replied "No it's broken down at the moment, and I have a headache"

After about half a hour, the wife felt a bit guilty and said to the husband "I forgot the man repaired the washing machine today should i put it on"?

The husband replied" no thats OK, it was only a light load so I hand washed it myself"

[TraceyHand]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I'm driving!'

[CymraegKev]

NOTE: No offence intended to Dyslexics, I am one myself. Just made me laugh this joke.

Two dyslexics chatting;

First dyslexic to the other: "Can you smell gas?"
Second dyslexic: "Smell gas? I can't even smell my own name"

[kathynewman]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For £10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a £10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as 'Best Dried Arrangement'.

[kathynewman]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[cbarling]

Hi Guys, I deleted all of the spam and the comments about it to keep things tidy. Don't bother commenting, let's not waste our time on these guys ... Chris

[grantglendinnin]

Don't you hate those people who use sayings such as, "There's no 'I' in 'Team'"?

Well, the next time somebody mentions it, quickly and calmly reply:

"Yes, but there is a 'M' and an 'E'"

[jont]

"There's no 'I' in 'Team'"?

There must be an iTeam at Apple?

[grantglendinnin]

There must be an iTeam at Apple?

No, just third world slavery.

[george]

No, just third world slavery.

And thats the CORE of the problem.


da, boom, tsch

[leehack]

There is a 'mate' in team and some 'meat', that's all you need to keep you going.

[completerookie]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

[grantglendinnin]

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"

He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"That's not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."

[george]

Statistically 10 out of every 5 people are Schizophrenic.

NO offence tec cte.

l went to the doctor's this morning with a hearing problem.
He said "can you describe the symptoms ?"
"Yes l said, Homer's yellow and fat and Marge has got blue hair"

I've woken up every morning this week feeling like shit.
Which is unusual, as I usually feel like cornflakes.