Joke thread.

[george]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One
of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low
doorway as he entered the stable.

'Jesus Christ!' he exclaimed.

'Write that down, Mary,' said Joseph 'It's much better than Derek.'

[Golf Tee Warehouse]

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”
He said, “No.”
Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[george]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in fourth year?'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[Legends]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

[leehack]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed aman of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow, "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time..........BRING POSSE!!!!

[guccij]

This one's come round again this morning:

Dear Friends

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the Ł30,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the five pounds I found dropped in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on GMTV.

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[leehack]

ROTFLMAO, quality ending.

[chris ashdown]

Formula 1 solves unemplyment problems

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower!

[guccij]

Top tips for a safe Christmas, courtesy of Tom Harris MP's website:

• When cooking Christmas dinner, you will be working with boiling liquids and red-hot cooking rings or gas burners, so avoid wearing roller skates in the kitchen. This kind of footwear is more likely to make you trip and fall than good old-fashioned slippers.

• Laughter can put you at risk from an asthma attack, so try to avoid watching anything funny on the telly. Stick with repeats of ‘Ello, ‘Ello, or Last of the Summer Wine.

• When carving the turkey, remember to remove any blindfolds that you may have been wearing during party games - knives can slice through you as easily as a turkey!

• Party-poppers are lethal weapons in the wrong hands! Always make sure a local council official has surveyed the firing area in advance of any launch. And do make sure your “victims” are wearing British Standard safety glasses before you pull the string. Ear plugs should also be worn.

• You can avoid serious lacerations to your hands by using thick gardening gloves when opening presents - this will help prevent near-lethal paper cuts and the resulting copious loss of blood.

• Sexually-transmitted diseases are rife at this time of year, so avoid kissing Aunty Gladys on the lips when she gives you this year’s Viz annual and half a pound of Dairy Milk - a firm shake of the hand is just as festive and refreshingly British!

• If, after Christmas lunch, you start to feel drowsy in front of the television, you’re probably suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning. Don’t panic! Simply get everyone out of the house, alert all your neighbours to the danger and call the police, fire brigade and ambulance service.

• If grandad wants to light up his pipe, shove him out into the garden, whatever the weather. Remember, if he smokes even one pipe or cigar in the same house as you, you will die of cancer within a month. Probably.

• Enjoy a festive drink, but don’t go overboard - as a rule of thumb, when you start to feel a bit relaxed, you’ve already had too much and should go to the local A&E to get your stomach pumped, you filthy alcoholic!

• And remember - Christmas is a special time of year, when you and your family can enjoy some much-needed time together, as long as you can avoid murder, blood loss, deafness, industrial blindness, cancer, suffocation, and scalding. And gonorrhea.

[davidbenson]

Peace on Earth

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

smerri krysimiss tooo evyerwewon.

[completerookie]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[grantglendinnin]

Let's see this thread through another year...

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They say a bad workman blames his fools

[EDIT:] *tools



Stupid Keyboard

[completerookie]

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man recoils in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice.. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta. Cut-cut-cut, too much cut.

Always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

The Chinese doctor, says, 'Yes,' You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Duncan Rounding]

Bwiliant!!

[Sean Williams]

"Q:What's the first sign of madness?


A: Suggs walking up the garden path!"