Joke thread.

[Duncan Rounding]

IN THE AMERICAN COURTS!!!!!!

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________________ __________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you #@?# me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
I especially love this one (RD)
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________
And this one too!!!
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[hobuk]

Ok not a joke, but very good none the less, worth a watch to see Gordon Brown get a ribbing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94lW6Y4tBXs

(not a joke but being politics could still pass I guess)

[cobbler]

Why has Edward Woodward got 4 D's in his name?


'cos if he hadn't, he'd be called "EEE-WAH WOO-WAH"

[meden]

Ok not a joke, but very good none the less:

So people know this is just party political broadcast and doesn't really belong in a joke thread

[grantglendinnin]

So people know this is just party political broadcast and doesn't really belong in a joke thread

Not so sure about that Mick. It is about British politics, which surely enough, is a joke

[Brightstar]

Hi All,

Can anyone help ?

Just been offered eight legs of venison for £50.00.

Is that too dear ?

[Duncan Rounding]

Cheap at the price - 8 legged deer are rare and you're bound to make a profit - especially if they're still attached.

[grantglendinnin]

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

[Sean Williams]

I rang NHS Direct to get some advice on Swine Flu, but all I got was crackling on the line

[grantglendinnin]

Check this one out...


1

[Legends]

I rang NHS Direct to get some advice on Swine Flu, but all I got was crackling on the line

I rang this morning saying that I was coming out in a rasher

[jont]

I rang this morning saying that I was coming out in a rasher

Did they prescribe any oinkment for it?

[leehack]

It's not really an area to be joking about to be honest, hows about you three get back to work and carrying on bringing the bacon home?

[party_pete]

To be honest i'm Pig Sick about the whole thing.

[jont]

The American's are now screening travelers Pinky's to see if they are too Perky.