Joke thread.

[Duncan Rounding]

A newspaper opened an advice column called "Dear Walter" but since they were not able to find a female columnist similar to the late and well-beloved Dear Abby they employed a man to write replies. Here's what happened:

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house, watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe dressed in my underwear, high heel shoes and he was wearing my makeup. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we've been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear, but when I asked him about the makeup he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my stuff for six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and says he's been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs Sheila Usk.

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If this is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter.

[Duncan Rounding]

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

[TraceyHand]

One to mess with your head

Firstly, sorry its all in caps but I've C&Ped, I have no inclination to retype!

3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30.00 SO EACH MAN PAID £10.00 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25.00

SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.00

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5.00 EVENLY

BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1.00 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2.00 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL

OF £27.00, ADD THE £2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.00

WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?

[jont]

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM.

The men paid £9.3333 for the room as the thieving bellboy pocketed £2.00

£10.00-(£2.00/3) = £9.333333

£9.33333 x 3 = £28.00

£28.00 + £2.00 stolen = £30.00 they started with

... you have to love mathematics

[leehack]

The men paid £9.3333 for the room as the thieving bellboy pocketed £2.00

They paid £10 to start with and got a pound back, its hard to argue that they did not pay £9 only, but i think you managed it. I think you are better off looking at it from the point, that the men did not pay just £9 (£10-£1) as they also had to pay the stolen £2. A clever and good puzzle though, i can see that one causing some arguments.

[TraceyHand]

hahahahahaha

jont...your brain is warped!
plus, your logic is wrong

[Duncan Rounding]

The £2 that the Bellboy (BellPerson nowadays I suppose to be PC) should be subtracted not added.

[chris ashdown]

The three paid 27 pounds whilst the price was 25

The missing two pound was the theiving little bastard

the 30 pounds is a red herring or as they say up ere a Bloater

[leehack]

or as they say up ere a Bloater

That's a fat sheila down here.

[Duncan Rounding]

That's a fat sheila down here.

Sheila's are down under mate.

[jont]

Was the £2.00 an Actinic component?

[jont]

What they paid for the room and what money the do not have is not the same .... the room is one price but they are also down for the money from the bellperson (pc) which also belongs to them.

This is why <insert global corporation> pay millions to accountants each year to juggle figures

[TraceyHand]

What they paid for the room and what money the do not have is not the same .... the room is one price but they are also down for the money from the bellperson (pc) which also belongs to them.

This is why <insert global corporation> pay millions to accountants each year to juggle figures

*feels partly responsible for jont's impending nervous breakdown*

I knew this would be an interesting one to post!

[chris ashdown]

why has nobody asked why three fully grown men want to share a room

Were they involved in Formula One

Do they dress up

Were any of them called Mosley or wear black shirts

[malbro]

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL

OF £27.00, ADD THE £2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.00

WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?

Look at it this way

each man paid £9 so that's £27, the hotel got £25 and the bell boy £2.