Joke thread.

[pinbrook]

I heard they were still stratching around looking for a cure

[pinbrook]

What ever happens the Govt will make a pigs ear of managing the situation

[pinbrook]

I've just been told to stop crackling jokes.....

[OllyBug]

I am just really 'boar'ed of this swine flu hogging all the news

[Fairyglass]

I don't believe a word of it. They're all telling porkies.

[completerookie]

Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be;
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"

[pinbrook]

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.









Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a
cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"

[pinbrook]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:



40% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 50% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

[completerookie]

A woman brought a very limp duck into the vet's

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom, gently nudged it.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot, nudged it. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[orcahouse]

Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Goodness, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,"she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Dammit, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affard any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Ho Ho Bird]

Great link allowed?

Not a joke in the traditional sense but really made me giggle and quite topical

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...ll_online_data

[Duncan Rounding]

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

What disease did cured ham originally have?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[grantglendinnin]

The forum has lacked in joke updates, so thought I'd share one...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is the month of June on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town:

• He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one

• The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

• The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note , and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

• The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note , and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

• The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

• The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

• The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

• The rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note , after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

[pinbrook]

School Children Writing About The Sea

� This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

� Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

� If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

� A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

� My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

� When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

� I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. .How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

� Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

� When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. ( Luke Desmond age 6)

� Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

� On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

[completerookie]

One Sunday, the local Vicar explained to his congregation that he must move on to another, larger congregation, which will pay him more.

There is a hush within his congregation, as no one wants him to leave.

Fred Smith, who owns several large car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mondeo every year and his wife with a min to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says: 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Then, Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
' If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide; holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well... I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said.....


**** the Vicar!