Joke thread.

[Golf Tee Warehouse]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation had gathered and sat in their pews, talking in soft tones.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was in the presence of God's ultimate enemy.


Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't!" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," retorted the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perplexed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for forty years!"

[Duncan Rounding]

What does a transvestite do for Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

[Benjamin Dyer]

What does a transvestite do for Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

lol, best one yet!

[Rich Brady]

A father sees his son kill a butterfly in the garden and tells the boy "No butter for 2 weeks"

A few days later the little boy kills a bee and the father tells him "No honey for 2 weeks"

Later on that day the little boy sees his Mother step on a cockroach. The little boy looks up at his Dad and says "Are you going to to tell her or shall I?"

[Duncan Rounding]

Top 10 Tiger Woods jokes on the web
(From TimesOnline)

One:
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

Two:
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

Three:
Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

Four:
What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing

Five:
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron

Six:
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

Seven:
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

Eight:
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Nine:
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though

Ten:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

[completerookie]

An old Pilot sat down at the restaurant and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; sopwiths, hurricanes, spitfires, flew harriers in falklands, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian

[pinbrook]

The Bottle Of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman .


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:



'Good trade'

[leehack]

http://video.telegraph.co.uk/service...tid=5524339001

[Duncan Rounding]

How to play it safe.....

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/12/11/handy_guide/
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/12...ide/page2.html
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/12...ide/page3.html

[completerookie]

How many Actinic forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another

6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

1 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[Golf Tee Warehouse]

And 1 to point out to the original poster that they had already posted the exact same post 8 months earlier becasue they forgot they had already posted it. (Post #284)

[leehack]

Classic,

[NormanRouxel]

Super!

Also 1 to point out that they're quite happy with their V7 light bulb and don't see any need to change it!

[cbarling]

Just excellent.

Chris

[Duncan Rounding]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”

The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”