Joke thread.

[leehack]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl.. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[Keith@Brand]

My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling
you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty
hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her
hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once
considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box
of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to
continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the
smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet
she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she
even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a
lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a
cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the stoner. And this guy is
more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to
work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober
anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik
throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his bloody big dog to work. Every day I have to look at this huge Great
Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I
even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of
them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger
King, every single day.
Anyway, I drive these muppets around in my van and we solve mysteries and
stuff.

(had to change a few words since there were a few swear words in it)

[completerookie]

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
seems the old man wasn't that slow

[Keith@Brand]

why men shouldnt be agony aunts:

Dear Jim, I left home for work last week and after a mile my car stalled and wouldnt start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced they have been having an affair for two years and they were in love, can you help me im desperate.

Dear reader, the most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines, if this is not the case its usually the alternator. Hope my advice helps

Jim

[completerookie]

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[Paul Bulpit]

A solicitor dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the solicitor argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

[completerookie]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............


NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!!

[completerookie]

If a wolf can bring a deere down on either flank, does that mean a wolf is Bambidextrouse

[Duncan Rounding]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[completerookie]

I call my wife "five horse"
when asked "why"
I replied "nag nag nag nag nag"

[leehack]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club.

The bouncer said:"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

[Duncan Rounding]

There was a mouse and an elephant and they decided to go for a walk in the jungle together. So they set off walking and talking and were not really paying attention to where they were going, when all of a sudden the elephant fell in a hole.

"Oh My!" the elephant cried. "What will we do?...I can't climb out on my own".

"Don't worry" said the mouse. I'll just run back into town and get my Porsche and we will have you out of there in no time at all."


So the mouse ran back to town and got her porsche.

When she arrived back at the hole she backed the porsche up to the edge. The mouse then threw the elephant one end of a chain and secured the other end to her bumper.

"Here we go" the mouse yelled to the elephant as she put the Porsche in gear and pulled the elephant out of the hole.

"Thank you, thank you so much my friend!" said the elephant.

"My pleasure" said the mouse "Should we continue on our walk?"

The elephant agreed, but as he turned toward the mouse his trunk accidentally knocked her into the hole.

"Oh my goodness" the elephant wailed, "I'm so so sorry!...Oh, What are we going to do now. I'm too big to fit in your porsche!"

"Not a problem" the mouse responded "Just throw your d**k down here" The elephant trusted the mouse so he threw his d**k into the hole and the mouse climbed out on it.

Once she was out the elephant and mouse continued on their walk with no further mishaps.

And the moral of the story is... ?

"If you have a big enough d**k you don't need a Porsche!"

[hobuk]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently, then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....




' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

[Paul Bulpit]

Deleted...

[completerookie]

The Rioters Prayer:
Our Father,
who art in prison,
my mum knows not his name,
thy riots come,
read it in The Sun,
in Birmingham,
as it is in London,
give us this day, our welfare bread,
and forgive us our looting,
as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us,
lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the flatscreens,
the burberry and the barcardi,
forever and ever
.....INIT !!!!!!