Joke thread.

[Sean Williams]

I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result.
Those Piranhas don't feck about.

[completerookie]

How to Find Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I have managed to finish a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.

An tel um,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

[leehack]

I went to weight watchers this morning and accidentally spilt a bag of maltesers on the floor, it was a right mess, but the funniest game of hungry hippos I have ever seen.

[completerookie]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

[completerookie]

WHERE I HAVE AND HAVE NOT BEEN
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
But one place I don’t ever want to be is in Continent.

[completerookie]

last night, my wife had one of those "near death experiences"
she tried to hover up when the football was on

[leehack]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[Sean Williams]

Nice one Lee -

[Sean Williams]

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,

"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"

"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.

"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[Duncan Rounding]

I came across this by accident somewhere on the web the other day....


A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming “Best Deals”.

Not long after he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next-door, on the other side if his store. It’s large sign was even more disturbing- “Lowest Prices”.

After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally, an idea came to him. Next day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read,

“Main Entrance”!

[Duncan Rounding]

I stumbled upon this somwhere on the internet today:

Barbie Joke...

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is
that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

The assistant replies, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for
£25.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £25.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £25.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for £25.95, and Divorced Barbie for £495.00"

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

The assistant says, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[leehack]

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

Also………..

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,
wheelchairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC, a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

[completerookie]

Social Media Explained

TWITTER I'm eating a #DONUT
FACEBOOK I like donuts
FOURSQUARE This is where I eat donuts
INSTAGRAM Here's a vintage photo of my donut
YOUTUBE HereI am eating a donut
LINKEDIN My skills include eating donuts
PINTEREST Here's a donut recipe
LASTFM Now listening to "Donuts"
G+ I'm a Google employee who eats donuts

[Duncan Rounding]

A couple fell on hard times, and the only way out was for the wife to go "on the game". She came home in the small hours after her first night, and handed over all her takings to her husband - £100.50. He asked "Who the hell gave you 50p?" to which she replied "They all did".